I started working (thesis - adorations :p )

I started working. Couldn't tell you why
just as I couldn't tell you why I wasn't.
I feel another shifting of the scales.
They're deep within me. Blotting out of fear
(what was I fearing?) balanced out by pleasure
mindless and soothing. So I ate some sweets,
watched House M.D., bought chocolate yoghurt
went to see friends. Here I am, at work,
striving near frantically, making up the stretch
of "wasted time". But the tipping point
was not, for which thanks, breaking point of me.

Who set up the scales?
Don't know this. But still
I am, will remain
yours and devoted, intrepid and bright,
("brilliant but lazy" - was the diagnosis
of unenlightened) academic rockstar.
Who - right about now - works with all her might.

I started working. And, well, who cares - why?
(I care - fortunately
My dance card is busy :)

We've finally had a storm today. It smelled of dust and car fumes, with a note of yesterday's mowed grass and a faint shadow of sweet fragrance, possibly from the flowers behind the fence of the security-guarded block of flats. I was walking in it when I went shopping: I don't own an umbrella, and I wouldn't have used one anyway. Each drop was like an individual shock to the core.


I made turkey in tomato sauce, with generous dose of garlic and some herbs. It smells divine, but the portion is way too large. I have trouble re-learning how to cook for one.

I bought chocolatey goodness - yoghurt. It's meant to soothe bad moods and maybe a bit, heal the longing. I miss Dutch cheese and shopping at Blaak. I miss having a bike.

I miss places and people. I miss going to swim in the lake. Finally a proper summer, and here I am, stuck with books. My mother kayaks all over the place. Good for her.

I think I should have explored southern Rotterdam a little more.

I will, now, refrigerate the leftover sauce. Eat some sweets. Brush my teeth. Trappings and wrappings of regular life.

I don't want this writing to end. I miss English. Just as I missed Polish.

Did I set myself up to be torn, forever? or, in some cases, for lengthy periods of time?

If I survive this, I will be so strong. Maybe I am already.