I am an explorer -- now chilled to the bone
done nothing, yet feel like I've just run a marathone of
unending stairs. here we declare non-
declarational statuses of
bonuses. as fits the benefits, there are sours and sweets
and fits of freakouts, breakouts of
allergic shivers that to those in the
know spell no
like a language forgotten misbegotten mislaid
somewhere on the road I
try to relearn, reload, reclaim
the my-ness of it, the sweetness of mine, but
caffeinated exhaustion meets me with
cold fingers fisting into
stones of bones.
heaviness seeping through
nailing me down, down, down and then
I give up on myself for a little while
with a helpless smile, or that confused frown
paving the way there -- maybe, maybe
there's another day.

of shopping trips, or being tripped by shopping [intro to my life with M]

Instance one: he goes for black tea. He comes back with croissants and goat cheese. He forgets the tea.

Instance two was even better -

And then he comes back from an ordinary, run-of-the-mill morning [relatively speaking*] shopping trip for sausages and possibly croissants, brandishing:

Exhibit A: unknown object which, after investigation, turns out to be a pack of beans ["damn, I thought they were sweets!"]

Exhibit B: tooth-cringingly sweet chocolate pralines, which he insists on feeding me;

Exhibit C: oh wait, tooth-cringing title belongs to the baclava, feeding remains unchanged [sweets before breakfast! blasphemy!]

Exhibit D: an unknown fruit, which is possibly an avocado, because "it was just there". To my exasperated: "What am I supposed to do with it?" I heard:

- I don't know. Love it?


Well. Indeed.







*It was breakfast we were making. There were eggs and all. It was also 4:30. p. m.

dialogue

- D'you think there's a support group for stupidly smitten? Maybe we should sign up. :p

- Who cares?

:-)

freedom within possessive pronouns [?]. paradoxes for breakfast. sun, spring, smile, cliche, I don't care... :)

would you please GET OUT OF MY HEAD?

comfortable much? at least stop STOMPING!!

no swimming, no forever. but there. last night, there were flowers. previous, I don't remember. but I wake up and wonder, wonder whether I wake up again and again with you underneath my eyelids.

Most vexing. Young man, this is quite unprecedented. Remove yourself, or I shall use force.

... I wish.


damn.

I don't want to wait. Scared out of my mind though. [too private to verbalize? or too verbal to privatize?] Seems like yesterday when I wasn't ready. Am I now? No idea, but I do want it more. Don't want the regrets, the waiting, the lost chances. Won't forgive myself unless. So yeah.

Rose Bruford College of Theatre & Performance.

I am so freaking scared.

dictionary meet & greet (words dictionary meat) -> start with becoming, cause you can't stop it

I will become. I am becoming. I have become. be+come - state and movement, stillness and space. travel without going outside your body.

***

I have been accusing myself of. I have been an. un. unbecoming, that was it. unbecoming of a young lady of my status. yes. my behaviour. it was unbecoming.

unbecoming, as in, did not look good on me. didn't make me more beautiful as a young lady should be. for this, I will not apologize. this, I will continue.

unbecoming, as in, did not feel good. did not further my travels. did not help me keep on becoming, restating, recreating. for this, I forgive myself. this, I want to erase, can't erase. this - unbecoming - I [want to] let go.

today I let myself immerse in people. awash with their smiles, words, telephone numbers, binarities, weirdolities, little strangenesses. minor oddities. treasures. tresses of individual hair-thin threads/little lives meeting mine, and I am so different in being met! [or am I?]

meet. meeting. people, expectations, boarders. meeting - introducting my head to the wall (meeting - beating) . not meeting. not meting out. measuring of distances.

on meeting I'm still thinking. becoming is. becoming keeps on becoming. meeting is more volitional. via volitional illusions, I keep on meeting. keeping on becoming can keep on becoming without any (cautious) conscious input. that's why it still is. if I could experimentally have stopped to restart, I probably would. damn my creative scientific soul. and, or, mind.


do you mind? I do. do you ever wish you didn't?