confessions of a (n energy) vampire

It was never decided - am I, or am I not, a vampire?

I was told, once, that I give as much as I take. I don't always see it that way, not often, anyway - but - self accusation (vampire!) only works when it's a bad thing.

I try to be a one conscientous vamp. Teeth are mostly retractable. There are some eyes I can't hide from, but others are fooled.

I never feed off one person only.

I fed last night. Worlds of glances and gazes, touches - accidental and not-so-much but essentially, wonderfully meaningless.

The beauty of the stage - you can do anything, as long as you bow at the end.

It's enough, even when it makes you want more.

And later on, I fed off words. Reminded myself of fears, with good reason. Reminded myself of beauty, too.

I'm full to bursting. I want to use it, before the high dissipates.

fuck blending in

nerves on a slowburn. bleeding bender-blender. "I'm uncomfortable" - such a fucking safeword, but however much out of comfort zone it was, I wouldn't give it up. Does it show too much? does it say too much? [is there a 'too much' to say or show? is it there even if I don't see?] You'll see whatever it is you see, and I almost don't fucking care, so it's almost a relief. In the world of almosts, you take what you can get.


Also, the cute lecturer and the unnerving student, vol. 1, 2, 3 [uncensored, imperfect]



Lecture: penetration

Fill me, full
fill me with
meaning, so
embedded in the
very air I breathe
stab it inside the
very flow of blood
until it shows up
in the writing on my walls
marks on my forehead
lettering littering
the sensuous inside of my
elbow.


[I carry advertisement beneath my
toenails
Wanna suck them and taste the ink?]


Lecture: Immersion

Flow of thought, chilly against my lips
Sweetly pours over feeling, reeling, revelling
in revealing nothing but
the need to breathe in
the water, liquified
wordy, otherworldly
light
[and how nice for you!]


Lecture: Impression

Read it again.
Look me in the eye
I'm buying it
[romantic confession of a
consummated consumer]
I bought it thoroughly
I want it again.
Pleasure of denial
ain't it fun? and oh!
how dangerously close to
fraternization
- oh well

Let me entertain you

ohmigod ohmigod I'm really gonna DO IT!

And feel my body pulsing with the newness of it all. Unexpectedness as well.

In a way I hadn't done THIS since I've been fourteen. There were shows, cabarets even. There was singing, dancing, directing. But.

This is the first time since, when I'm the director, the singer, the show. I'm everything. I'm waiting for the earthquake that seems sure to follow. I'm quaking, for now.

Since I've come here, there were parties, there was dancing, sweet grind of eyes on me. There it was, the sweet thrill of it, me only slightly abashed, more gleeful. All, I begin to realize, in preparation for this: the ultimate challenge. My experimenting stage. A stage to experiment on.

The ultimate beginning. This is big, I feel it. Jittery down to my bones.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are tonight's entertainment....!

system error

[I'm here] Still [, through] deleting [I'm here]. Still editing the hell out of words not quite my own. Still trying to own up to myself.

Still trying to negotiate several different personalities within - find them their own langugages, ways of expression. Still looking for [naivete deleted]. Still self-censoring in a way that seems ingrained too deeply. A fine line between quality/damage control and plain old choking on other's expectations.

Still fighting my way against things, because fighting seems to be the only way to get me to actually care. Negative motivation is still motivation. Negative stimulation is still stimulation. You fight, you get tired, exhaustion creeping - you want some more?

[Hell yeah.]